How do you tube ?

Today I’m back with something completely different. This time it might even be something worth your while. Now you’re curious, eh ? Not ? Just you wait..

The world of the internet is like space, it’s filled to the brim with nothing of importance, yet we keep trying to search and discover and utilize it to our means, only to always be disappointed in the end. Remember all the gas planets, dead moons and useless stars which space “explorers” discover daily, while trying to find us a new planet to wreck ? Then you know what to expect from the www.

With all that being said, there’s a magical site called “Youtube”. You might have heard of it before, even though it’s a very well hidden secret in the online world. A place of mystery and wonder (you really have to wonder regularly what’s wrong with the world while watching some random videos there..). So this time I thought “Hey, let’s do something for the community of my Blogpire and show them how they can utilize Youtube to become famous, beloved persons..kinda like myself…but differently…”. I do not boast to know how it all works and how to be successful, but this sentence just ends here. Onwards then !

The first thing you need to consider when trying to become a Youtubetubist is, if you want to be male or female. This decision isn’t as simple as it seems, for it could have further consequences in later stages of your Youtubistic adventures, when people demand “the proof”. But let’s not worry about those.
The absolute most important thing of all is to have a camera (or maybe only a microphone, depends on how many insults towards your looks you can stomach). Not just any camera, it must be the most awesome camera in the world. Nobody wants to watch your stuff unless it’s in HD. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DO NON HD VIDEOS ! Oh my God, you do not do non HD. No way..People want to see you clearly while you do whatever you do, even if you just fall on your butt. They want to see every detail, every tiny bit of hair sprouting from your skull to have something to criticize. If they can’t clearly see what’s going on, they won’t care. Figuring things out by yourself is so 10 years ago. Now…

Let us pretend you are male. A normal, male person. Maybe not a normal male person, just a male person and you want to get out there and tell people, show people, amaze people, impress people.
You will need a topic.
Let me tell you one thing : It does not take much to entertain people online. If you are an idiot and willing to hurt yourself or make a fool out of yourself, then you have already won. The problem is, that there’s an overwhelming number of those already in existence, so you’re probably too late to the party.
If you are not mentally unstable or plain stupid, you can try a different approach. You can practically do anything, no matter if you have a talent for it or not.
As a musician you can sing songs and play on your instrument of choice, until the copyright machine will come crashing down on you for playing a Lady Gaga song on your harmonica. It’s not safe. Don’t do music, unless it’s your own. Problem is that people won’t care (and their comments will enlighten you like the following : Nobody wants to hear your music, it’s not famous, you’re not famous, you suck, die in hell.)

Another lucrative fad seems to be playing games and recording it, while you ramble on. Yes, even I did that and yes, I might have had a two digit number of viewers, but I’m not the boasting kind of person. All you need for that is some video recording software, some game and maybe your voice. The problem with that scenario is, that you need to play what people want you to play. If you think you can just play any old game you like, nobody will give a damn, unless you’re one of the funniest guys in the world, in which case you shouldn’t have to play a game in the first place. You will play CoD or Crysis or whatever the hell people nowadays seem to like most and you will have to do well. If you suck in those games, you will be treated to comments like “you suck”, “noob”, “omg, I hope you and your family die” and so on. On the other hand, if you do well, people get bored and leave.
It’s a bit like watching a car race, it’s just not fun without a proper crash. There’s no entertainment in perfection, people want to see you fail to be able to pity and ridicule you.

Next you can do cosmetics or give people tips on lifestyle. This requires you to have absolutely no knowledge about these things. If you do, you will be pretty disillusioned afterwards and it may turn into a haunting experience, making you question your whole life. But if you’re detached from reality, people will understand what you say and even try to follow your example. Be as far out as you can and once the tide is rolling, nothing can stop it, not even you. Remember that while you shape our youth, who one day will rule over your country.

You can also try to educate people with videos about topics you “seem” to know a lot about. This does seem to require actual knowledge about the things you try to teach, so be aware. In the end, there’s always some guy who knows better than you, ALWAYS. Don’t go in there with the intend to help people, go in there knowing, that your knowledge is not enough to be shared with others, it’s flawed..FLAWED ! How dare you try to teach us on the internet ?!

This should have given you some basic ideas on what to do on Youtube and how to start your awesome career, living off ad-money and to either be hated or loved..or remain an unknown fool for the rest of your life. In the end it won’t matter, as long as people watch your stuff.

I nearly forgot… Girls.. If you are a girl, congratulations, you basically already made it. Even more so when you don’t have the looks of a scarecrow and show your face on the camera. There is no chance in hell that you can’t have success online. You can even ignore the ideas listed above, just do whatever. Hormone driven guys will watch it, nerds will watch it, anyone will watch it as long as they are aware that it exists. Exploit the male idiots in the world and live off their ooze of loserdom.

Maybe one day I’ll further explore the avenues of Youtube for you, by helping you on how to spread word about your channel (just use twitter and all that social media garbage), how to stay in touch with your “fans” (just use twitter and all that social media garbage) and a few other helpful advices (just use twitter and all that social media garbage). And remember who helped you on your way to become a millionaire ! What do you mean “parents” ? “God” ? I see how it is…until next time :O


About chrismesstree

But enough about me, what about you ? :o
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