Now it’s only been 2 weeks, but I realize that you are starving. You are starving for more, craving delicious posts of Blogness. All the other Blogs you are subscribed to are probably on vacation, relaxing in the sun, living the easy life, enjoying some free time and that is why I am here. This year I nixed all my plans, my Hawaii vacation, my trip around the world and even my anonymous alcoholics appointment just to keep you entertained during the dry summertime.
What a summer it has been. Despite the fact that it’s cold as hell now (which makes no sense, because hell (if it indeed does exist (which I do not want to deny or admit, because of fear of losing the religious fans (which I probably don’t even have (maybe one of the bots that’s subscribed to me is religious though, you never know (there’s no reason for another bracket here, but what the hell (again with the hell)))))) is pretty hot), it’s still summer outside. Now you might wonder why I brought that up and I will tell you in writing. You are sitting at home, bored out of your mind and not sure how to waste away the last days of summer. Let me help you with that by giving you five glorious “WHERE TO SPEND (THE PUNY REST OF) YOUR SUMMER IN A MEANINGFUL (ALBEIT STUPID) FASHION” options :
Number 4 : The beach. There are girls there as well (or so I hear, I have no actual proof of this). You can swim, build sand fortresses of doom and also get sunburns to make you look like a guy that’s not afraid to leave the house every once in a while. But beware ! There might be dreadful Alpha males in the vicinity, who will look to take advantage of your pathetic weak body frame to win over the common female whilst you look like a chump. What a harsh environment the beach is..man..better stay away from it.
Number 2 : The supermarket. You always wanted to find a place where you could meet girls, stay cool and not die of starvation ? Welcome ! Pretend to be a knowledgeable guy by pondering the selection for a long time. Keep reading the ingredients of products. Girls like guys who can read. You can also attempt to educate others on how to save a few cents by smartassing about the pros and cons of cheap and expensive products. That might even get you a date or…laid..woohoo. Do not worry, there is no danger of bodily harm in this serene harbour of safety. The only bad thing that could befall you here is closing time and the fact, that you will probably be barred for life. Not to worry though, there are literally millions of stores available.
Number 1 : Home. Stay home, be alone, do the same thing you always do and be proud of it. Others might enjoy the sun and all the benefits it brings, but you have the self esteem to refrain from such follies. Just keep on playing WoW until you are perfectly blending in with your white wallpaper.
Number 3 : The Movies. THE MOVIES, home of summer blockbusters, expensive snacks and the most terrifying noises you will ever experience in your lifetime. You are supposed to bring quite some money to be the expected exploitable puppet, but if you do, it will definitely be worth your while. The most important thing to consider is which movie to choose. If you want to be entertained, go see some sort of Blockbuster movie, but keep in mind that this is not gonna help you with girls. You will also meet lots of obnoxious kids and other troublemakers this way. You should be used to those from your online games though.
If you want to meet girls however, you need to bite the bullet and pick one of those romantical, dramatical, traumatical and brain cell melting chickx flickx. This is where the common female dwells and if you play your cards right by wasting a few tissues and shedding some fake tears, you might even be able to somehow magically appear like one of them. Compassion is the key to the heart, if you didn’t know. On the other hand you might be labelled as a wuss and an outcast in the male society…no matter, you already are anyways.
Number 5 : It doesn’t even matter as long as you finally leave the damn house (which means I couldn’t even think of another place, since I do not leave the house..EVER).
Consider all those wonderful options but BEWARE ! The outside is always a treacherous and dangerous place. You can be hit by lighting, cars, guys, girls, dogs, cats, trees, tornados, tsunamis, hurricanes, rockets, old people, young people, smart people, dumb people, village people, space debris, bricks, sticks, the New York Knicks and much, much more. In the end it’s really for the best to never go outside at all and I hope I was able to make that pretty clear to all of you. Your safety is my priority, because I love you all ! This is a shoutout to all the Spam Bots constantly filling up my spam folder, which really encourages me to keep this all going and shows me, that all my effin effort is appreciated. Thank you so much and have a great summer ! 😮