Christmas Time Beath Upon Thou, Yo

Hasn’t time just flown by ? Remember when it was September and everybody was at war and the whole world was a place that you didn’t wanna live in anymore ? It was such a depressive time, that I couldn’t even muster  the strength to write an entry for either October (Happy Halloween, if you do that kinda thing..also you’re a puppet of the sweets industry..A PUPPET !) and November (Happy Thanksgiving, if you do that kinda of thing…also your ancestors most likely killed lots of natives..LOTS OF NATIVES !).

That’s all forgotten now however. December is upon us, the joyful time of the year when commerce means love and gifts mean appreciation. You can tell peace is everywhere around us, even in countries like Iran, where they (believe it or not) don’t have Christmas ! Can you believe that ? No Christmas..Yes, sure, they have their own holidays, but those are just..not Christmas.

Christmas..I feel like I haven’t written that word often enough..Christmas ! And then the new year as well. What will 2014 bring ? Is it gonna be better or worse than 2013 ? My professional prediction : If you had a good 2013, it’s probably gonna be worse and if you had a terrible 2013, it’s most likely going to stay the same.

However that’s not what this post is about. This is about Christmas. Reuniting with the family, eating food, greedily open gifts, disappointed faces once the gifts are unwrapped, arguments, shouting, blazing fires in the living room.. Christmas is practically the explosion of all the feelings that got suppressed during the whole year. If that’s a good thing or not is for you to decide.

Maybe you also need some gift ideas. You’re at home right now, browsing the internet to find something for your beloved and you just can’t find anything at all. You seek help…advice..some ideas..you want to be original but also make sure that the giftee will not disapprove of your efforts. Simple solution : Money. Money always works. Granted, it’s highly unoriginal and shows that you did not go through the above mentioned process of searching, failing, desperation, anger, violent outbursts and resignation. Technically it’s a bit like cheating and you should be ashamed that you took that shortcut, but reaslistically everybody is glad to receive money. You spare them the faking of happiness when they open their gift and stare upon a new pair of underwear or socks or (even worse) a household appliance. Have fun with your spoons or your new bathroom scale. Money is the solution.

You might also look for a way to spend Christmas properly. Simplest way : Stay by yourself, lock the door, don’t get in contact with anyone. Do everything via mail, do not call people on the phone or expose yourself to conversations. Grab some chips (or crisps or whatever you wanna call them), a book, the tv, your computer..whatever is in reach and silently enjoy the peace surrounding you. If you open the door for others, they will ruin it for you. Willingly or not, other people have their own ideas on how to spend Christmas and may force them upon you. When was the last time you played board games with your family ? You don’t remember ? If you want it to stay that way, don’t socialize. Ah, the joy of Christmas.

Now that you’re in the right mood to celebrate and worship our Lord and Saviour, I will bid my farewell and imagine that I just saved your Christmas, which practically makes me an angel..or something along those lines.. Happy Christmas and a Merry new year 😮

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Remember, remember to blog in September..

coz if you don’t, you won’t.

I understand it’s been nearly a month again with no new Blog entry and you are rightfully enraged and/or depressed and/or not caring one bit. You may remember that I tried to turn each and everyone of you into the millionaires you are supposed to be, as long as you intend to share you wealth with me. This raises the question : How do you (that’s me, the you, me) want to build on this ? Wasn’t this Blog about news or sumtin like wat ? Yes, yes, it was and still is unless I tell you otherwise, but you have to go with the times and helping people out online is something which has to be done. That made me think..What else could I lecture inform you about, which would benefit you in the long term ? Why, blogging of course !

As a five year Blog professional I would imagine I have lots to teach you folks who desperately want to run a Blog as successful as mine..kinda..nevermind the details. Ahh, such a long time it has been. It all started on MSN until they outsourced their Blog stuff to WordPress and that’s my history in it’s entirety. Let me share my knowledge with you and help you on your path to become the number one Blogger in the world !

Alright, so you have big plans, you want to change the world, you want to tell others this and that, you want to gain fame, babes and adulation but you end up starting a Blog instead. The first thing you gotta do is pick a name for your Blog. Usually it should hint to either the topic you are concerning yourself with or stand out in a way that makes you appear unique. Also, whatever you do, DO NOT ADD NUMBERS just because the name you wanted is already gone. I’m sorry, but calling your Blog “Jason773” is like farting during a funeral. People may laugh, but it’s no good laughter, no sir. It also shows a lack of creativity and when you already display that in your name, your readers already know what to expect from “UnicornFan666”.

Congratulations, your naming is done. Now you can focus on a topic. Every Blog should have some topical outline in mind. You can’t just Blog about any garbage, it needs to be suited towards your readership or the interests you have. You can’t just type random stuff all the time and hope that more and more people will randomly show up…yeah…it doesn’t work that way..My Blog ? My interests are so broad and diverse that I get away with technically anything, at least in my mind. You will always attract a certain clientage and they might lose interest in what you write, if it doesn’t interest them..what a redundant thing to write. Just take my Blog for example. Actually I’m just banking on people being too lazy to unfollow me again, maybe that also works for you. Good luck with that..also to me.

You need ideas for topics ? Then you asked the right man. Usually anything that happens in the world is always in demand. Syria playing Ball ? Check. War Z ? Check. Snow in the den ? Check. New Iphone made from plastic ? Check. Maybe a specific topic ? Alcohol ? Video Games ? Your life, as interesting as it is and even if it isn’t, you can still lie about it all. Girl advice for boys ? Boy advice for girls ? How to do things ? How to not do things ? How to try to hide how you didn’t do things like you do things ? The possibilities are endless unlike this paragraph.

You also need tags, wonderful tags. Just throw everything in there that is even remotely being touched upon by your drivel. Even if it’s just a single word, use it. The more, the better. Tag everything, use as many tags as possible, keep on tagging. If your Blog text is longer than the line of Tags you made, you did something wrong. Add more tags !

Another important aspect is the language you choose. You should always write in the tongue you are most fluent in, even when you desperately want to reach a wider audience, you might be able to express yourself better in your native language. Don’t just start an English Blog just because you assume that the whole world can read it then, it might be terrible. Speking wrong in other languag is not halping you lot in making new visithor. I see a raised hand again, is this about my Blog being in English even though I am clearly German ? The answer is simple. Look at my Blog and compare it to my suggestions. You might notice that I don’t seem to follow any of them myself and that’s how I expect them to work. My Blog is technically here to show you and the world how it’s not done. This is the AntiBlog. You visit it, read it, shake your head and/or fist and start your own. Glad I could be of assistance. Still, don’t stop checking back, there’s so much more for you to learn on how not to run things and also News..I have News, with a capital N !

Enough sidetracking, what you need next is some creativity and writing skills. But only some, not a lot. You need to find a balance between simple and advanced. That way you can reach all kinds of readers. If you only write in simple words, smart people will get bored and consider your Blog puerile and obfuse (yes, I looked those words up and even misspelled obtuse). If you use too advanced expressions, the dumb common people might have trouble following you. Balance is such an important thing, it’s like the Yin and Yang, the Pan and Da, the Nou and Gat.

And then you throw out some text. Yadda Yadda Yadda *your topic* evil corporations yadda yadda government yadda yadda nobody safe yadda yadda and voila, you are a Blogger. Now all you have to do is throwing something new on your blank screen every now and then and pray for your followers numbers to rise and for people to comment and praise your stuff. If you want to be cheap you can also just follow other Blogs and hope that they follow you back for no reason. It’s like cheap advertising, which I resent and will never do ! For now !

And that’s how it all starts. Technically just do what I don’t and you should be well on your way, maybe even combine your Blog with your Youtube channel to create some weird information video hellhole.

Now onto the news. Yes, the news. You thought I would forget but I didn’t, this Blog is all about..news..USA and Russia extend hands and Syria does something with chemical weapons. You don’t need to know more about that, you can’t change a thing about it either way. Also don’t forget to check out the new HumbleBundle, it’s the thing to waste your hard/easy earned/stolen/otherwise acquired/non existant money on for Charity and cheap games.

Wasn’t this an explosion of information and awesomeness right here ? It even looked quite serious for my standard, which I want to apologize for. After all this educational muck, you will be treated to random nonsense again the next time, I promise ! Maybe ! Goodbye !

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How do you tube ?

Today I’m back with something completely different. This time it might even be something worth your while. Now you’re curious, eh ? Not ? Just you wait..

The world of the internet is like space, it’s filled to the brim with nothing of importance, yet we keep trying to search and discover and utilize it to our means, only to always be disappointed in the end. Remember all the gas planets, dead moons and useless stars which space “explorers” discover daily, while trying to find us a new planet to wreck ? Then you know what to expect from the www.

With all that being said, there’s a magical site called “Youtube”. You might have heard of it before, even though it’s a very well hidden secret in the online world. A place of mystery and wonder (you really have to wonder regularly what’s wrong with the world while watching some random videos there..). So this time I thought “Hey, let’s do something for the community of my Blogpire and show them how they can utilize Youtube to become famous, beloved persons..kinda like myself…but differently…”. I do not boast to know how it all works and how to be successful, but this sentence just ends here. Onwards then !

The first thing you need to consider when trying to become a Youtubetubist is, if you want to be male or female. This decision isn’t as simple as it seems, for it could have further consequences in later stages of your Youtubistic adventures, when people demand “the proof”. But let’s not worry about those.
The absolute most important thing of all is to have a camera (or maybe only a microphone, depends on how many insults towards your looks you can stomach). Not just any camera, it must be the most awesome camera in the world. Nobody wants to watch your stuff unless it’s in HD. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DO NON HD VIDEOS ! Oh my God, you do not do non HD. No way..People want to see you clearly while you do whatever you do, even if you just fall on your butt. They want to see every detail, every tiny bit of hair sprouting from your skull to have something to criticize. If they can’t clearly see what’s going on, they won’t care. Figuring things out by yourself is so 10 years ago. Now…

Let us pretend you are male. A normal, male person. Maybe not a normal male person, just a male person and you want to get out there and tell people, show people, amaze people, impress people.
You will need a topic.
Let me tell you one thing : It does not take much to entertain people online. If you are an idiot and willing to hurt yourself or make a fool out of yourself, then you have already won. The problem is, that there’s an overwhelming number of those already in existence, so you’re probably too late to the party.
If you are not mentally unstable or plain stupid, you can try a different approach. You can practically do anything, no matter if you have a talent for it or not.
As a musician you can sing songs and play on your instrument of choice, until the copyright machine will come crashing down on you for playing a Lady Gaga song on your harmonica. It’s not safe. Don’t do music, unless it’s your own. Problem is that people won’t care (and their comments will enlighten you like the following : Nobody wants to hear your music, it’s not famous, you’re not famous, you suck, die in hell.)

Another lucrative fad seems to be playing games and recording it, while you ramble on. Yes, even I did that and yes, I might have had a two digit number of viewers, but I’m not the boasting kind of person. All you need for that is some video recording software, some game and maybe your voice. The problem with that scenario is, that you need to play what people want you to play. If you think you can just play any old game you like, nobody will give a damn, unless you’re one of the funniest guys in the world, in which case you shouldn’t have to play a game in the first place. You will play CoD or Crysis or whatever the hell people nowadays seem to like most and you will have to do well. If you suck in those games, you will be treated to comments like “you suck”, “noob”, “omg, I hope you and your family die” and so on. On the other hand, if you do well, people get bored and leave.
It’s a bit like watching a car race, it’s just not fun without a proper crash. There’s no entertainment in perfection, people want to see you fail to be able to pity and ridicule you.

Next you can do cosmetics or give people tips on lifestyle. This requires you to have absolutely no knowledge about these things. If you do, you will be pretty disillusioned afterwards and it may turn into a haunting experience, making you question your whole life. But if you’re detached from reality, people will understand what you say and even try to follow your example. Be as far out as you can and once the tide is rolling, nothing can stop it, not even you. Remember that while you shape our youth, who one day will rule over your country.

You can also try to educate people with videos about topics you “seem” to know a lot about. This does seem to require actual knowledge about the things you try to teach, so be aware. In the end, there’s always some guy who knows better than you, ALWAYS. Don’t go in there with the intend to help people, go in there knowing, that your knowledge is not enough to be shared with others, it’s flawed..FLAWED ! How dare you try to teach us on the internet ?!

This should have given you some basic ideas on what to do on Youtube and how to start your awesome career, living off ad-money and to either be hated or loved..or remain an unknown fool for the rest of your life. In the end it won’t matter, as long as people watch your stuff.

I nearly forgot… Girls.. If you are a girl, congratulations, you basically already made it. Even more so when you don’t have the looks of a scarecrow and show your face on the camera. There is no chance in hell that you can’t have success online. You can even ignore the ideas listed above, just do whatever. Hormone driven guys will watch it, nerds will watch it, anyone will watch it as long as they are aware that it exists. Exploit the male idiots in the world and live off their ooze of loserdom.

Maybe one day I’ll further explore the avenues of Youtube for you, by helping you on how to spread word about your channel (just use twitter and all that social media garbage), how to stay in touch with your “fans” (just use twitter and all that social media garbage) and a few other helpful advices (just use twitter and all that social media garbage). And remember who helped you on your way to become a millionaire ! What do you mean “parents” ? “God” ? I see how it is…until next time :O

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Happy Cat day..

A truly epic occasion is or was upon us, it has been or still is cat day. The day of the year, on which cats are appreciated and loved. Remember funny stuff like Cheezburger cats and lolcats and catastrophies all over the globe ? Good.
Today or yesterday is or was the day to honour it and I hope you do or did.
Cats…what can I say that hasn’t been said already about our furry friends ? They are furry and full of claws and laziness. They can easily turn from friend to foe when not getting what they want and vice versa. They can help you getting rid of unwanted guests by triggering their allergies, quite the useful trait. They can also make you more attractive to the opposite gender..Girls love cats..or was that dogs…Damn dogs..you don’t get a day, you are vile creatures from HELL !
To summarize, it’s a day for cats. Rejoice, cats all over the world to celebrate the day you probably don’t even know about. Do not worry though, a lot of things have special days, so that we think of them once a year and can forget about them for the rest..like peace or world hunger :p

Now wasn’t this a serious and informative blog ? Yes, it was. I hope you also showed it to your cat and if you do not own a cat, that you now go out and acquire one as soon as possible (unless the cat day is already over, in which case you have another catless year to live all by yourself..what a drag).

What more do you want to know about cats ? They are smart enough to use a toilet and they even clean themselves. In a way they are like little egoistic human beings, unable or unwilling to communicate with their voice. Like a child maybe…a furry, hairy, clawed child..Cats…wow..
Therefore let me congratulate all the cats all over the world on this (past) day and wish them the best for the future.

Finally I would like to share my own cat story with you, the reader, because you certainly want something to remember from all of this and I’ll be damned if I don’t give you anything.
There was this one day when our cat peed on the sofa. It was quite a mess and the cat certainly got told to never do that again. It did do it again however. Shows you that cats can’t be trusted, PERIOD.

Meow meow

Meow meow

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Oh…my…BLOG !

My death is not confirmed, life signs have been detected and are being transmitted to your screen right now.
Now, my dear reader, you might be wondering why there hasn’t been anything for the last…4 months..wow..
You came here daily, checked the Blog, hoping for more words of wisdom, some guidance through those dark days, which are filled with overlong sentences, intersected with lots of commata and what not. Instead all you got was silence..well…blank space..which is kinda the same thing..in a way..ANYWAYS !

For all you desperate fans, trying to cling on your only source of light in this world, I have managed to return. By once again resetting my password (because I am amazingly inept at trying to remember it, even though I only have 3 different passwords for all the 5000 sites I am signed up on), I now return to your living room, bedroom, cell or hole in the ground.

Now you’ll be saying “But hey, you guy ! That’s all well and fine, but what about the news you promised us ? You know, your fancy logo stating that we don’t need any more newspapers !”.

You are correct, that’s my claim and I will be damned if I can’t do whatever it takes to make sure that you will keep on living with the feeling that you can expect something of this Blog which it might give you at some point without really being too serious on promising what you demand.

Not much happened in the world during my absence. Saddam got caught, Osama got shot, the NSA is spying on us all, Egypt is still having some sort of struggle and I had Pizza for lunch. Quite the ordinary.
However you do not really want to know THOSE things, otherwise you’d be reading different Blogs, Blogs that boast with vast knowledge and lecture you about how the world functions and how people feel about this and that, which they formerly didn’t care or know about but now pretend to, because it gives them more readers. No, this Blog will not do this :O

And so I bid you farewell for now, hoping that you will still pretend to be there and read all of this, even though I pretty much nailed the coffin shut by wasting so much of your time with so many letters and yet so little useful information. In a way I am training your senses to quickly spot important information, while ignoring useless dribble.
Hopefully you didn’t succeed, otherwise you won’t be back.. But I will be…back…ack…ck…k…..

 

Small tiny edit : Yes, I did change the background to green, you did not spill spinach or accidentally boot up your Atari Desktop. Now you, the reader, can be even more in touch with nature by looking at the green background while using your electric smog spewing device to read all this. Huzzah !

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…and the birds flu over the swine…flu…

Hello there,
today I am writing to all of you sick..in a sick state..No, not my normal state, my sick state. The thing that happened was the following :
When a man and a woman meet in a park and they gaze at the ducks and into the sunset and their eyes meet for a short moment, reflecting the flicker of the stars above and empowering the passion deep inside them, so that their faces draw closer and closer until one of em sneezes violently in the face of the other, who is immediately stunned and perplexed, falls into the pond, get ravaged by the ducks and most likely drowns. Oh and you also get a healthy dose of what I call…Lov..no, some sort of sickness..FLU ! The flu, famous for being best friends with birds and swines, is a very sneaky sickness. Today you feel like a king and tomorrow you are already coughing up a storm while your nose is running more miles than the ancient Greeks of Marathon.

Now you are wondering… Will there be any actual news ? How do I actually feel ? If it’s in this order, I am slightly upbeat, because it would mean you value this awesome Blog over my pitiful being and that would make me both proud and healthiful….healthy…ful…
So I am still having the Flu, which means I spend an awful lot of time in bed, away from this here computer and you here fans. I had a purple bucket next to my bed for evacuational purposes and also my trusthworthy crocodile shaped trash can, which is choking on snot stained tissues. Howeveer I am quite certain that there is a slight chance that I might recover at some point in time to resume my important job of letting the masses know, WHAT IS UP and WHAT IS NOT SO UP BUT MORE OF A DOWN.
This should be enough about the depressing Flu and it’s common traits in my overly sensible internal system, which also breaks apart after a glass of “copyrighted brown caffeinated bubbly beverage”.

However I do not wish to abandon you all without any news at all..So here it goes… I have seen the Hobbit, the movie and I can tell you that it is very…oh who am I kidding ? We live in the age of the internet and you have seen the Hobbit yourself by now. And if not, then you should have, otherwise you will be branded as an outcast by your friends and/or co-workers. And if you have neither of those, then congrats, because you are not shackled by the confinement of the burden of trying to blend in with others 😛
You are your own person and you do your own thing and I respect that, for there should be more of your kind in this world, where everybody is a follower and nobody dares to go their own path !

And with those words of wisdom, which will be patented soon by myself and shipped to a Chinese Fortune Cookie factory, where kids will work daily on printing them on a piece of paper, so he bourgoi….bourgoisie…cal….upper class bastards can eat them in cookie form after their overpriced dinners at restaurants, thank you very much.

Next time I will be back with something better, I do not promise. But at least this should have wasted enough of your time again for you to realize how important your family is, for you could have done something meaningful with them instead… Pretty deep, huh ? Then good bye and good…bye…

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My Blog will go on !

2 weeks have come and gone and I still remembered my Login, so I figured “what the heck ? Let’s spout out some words of wisdom for those eager to hear, for they shall be disappointed to find out, that those words of wisdom are all but shallow dribble and nonsense. Yet you will need to read this to find out for sure, I could be lying after all.

Alright, so…One day I promised that this Blog is the Blog to rule all Blogs and you get all the information you need in here, no more newspapers for you. In a way I succeeded. Newspapers are a thing of the past and therefore I have to adjust my Blog to the future. Digital..Mobile…Stuff…You know…cellphones and those square objects people carry around and wipe their McDonalds grease stained fingers over ? Exactly those..You probably have one of those gizmos yourself and now are wondering “But Mr. Tree, how would you do whatever you just tried to express with that convoluted sentence you just have been going on about to write on about ?” and I would reply “Your sentence makes no sense, so do not complain about mine !”

Now the important things you came here to find out and I promise you, this time I will not end it with some lame “There’s not really any info” kinda thing, because that is lame and my loyal readers demand more. They crave for news, infos, a path in life, hopes, dreams and I am the weaver to weave ’em for you. Now the first thing was that the Pope is gonna resign. Anybody here religious ? Yes, I am an upstanding Christian and as such am not sure what to think about it. Replacing an old man by another old man ? Why can’t we ever have a dynamic 30 year old Pope ? Is it because of their experiences in life, which you can only have gathered when you’re old enough to need diapers again ? Who knows…

Then we had meteorites over Russia, hitting buildings and people. You might have seen some of the videos on Youtube, so tell me what it was like, because I did not. What else can be said about it ? Why did the Aliens not save us ? Or maybe they are responsible ? Oh, those crafty Aliens…

And finally we have horse meat disguised as beef in instant food. Somewhere in the world, somebody sold horse as beef and thus we now eat the animals we usually just turned to glue. One could consider living as a vegetarian by now, but a life without meat (no matter how disgustingly diseased and poisonous it is) is no life ! You might want to argue with me on that and that’s fine by me. But know this… I am right.

I also used to have some sort of game review here…once…or twice.. I don’t even remember.. Since my fingers are clenched on the pulse of time itself, I will give you another one RIGHT NOW !  This is technically information overkill right here and I understand that a lot of people do not care about one topic or another, but as I said..newspaper…mobile…thingamajig…And its for free, you don’t have to double check or read some ad-ridden newspaper site which says the same things I say in a different, more human, more comforting and more…..way…

Oh yeah, the game. I give thumbs up for Ys Origins, because it is a good game indeed. Basically you run around, hack and slash, jump and dodge, grind, grind, grind and in the end eventually beat the game, unlocking 2 other characters to play the whole game again. It’s also not the easiest game ever, but as a self proclaimed Pro Gamer, I obviously managed fine. You however will have difficulties. Also Sony is gonna release something about the PS4 or whatever today..or yesterday… I don’t even….

If you really went all the way down here through the Gaming, then congrats, this is it. This is where the Blog ends today and resumes God knows when. Didn’t you like the funnier older ones better ? Yes, me too.. but for once you all had to hear all the news of the week from your favourite source of information on the http interwebs.

Therefore it is time to close up for today, but not before mentioning that THE FREEMASONS ARE STILL TRYING TO CONTROL THE WORLD THROUGH THE WORLD BANKING COUNCIL WHICH IS BEING LED BY ALIENS !

Thank you for wasting your valuable time and I hope you will have the mispleasure to read my awesome important rubbish soon again ! Good Bye and Good The End !

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