Remember, remember to blog in September..

coz if you don’t, you won’t.

I understand it’s been nearly a month again with no new Blog entry and you are rightfully enraged and/or depressed and/or not caring one bit. You may remember that I tried to turn each and everyone of you into the millionaires you are supposed to be, as long as you intend to share you wealth with me. This raises the question : How do you (that’s me, the you, me) want to build on this ? Wasn’t this Blog about news or sumtin like wat ? Yes, yes, it was and still is unless I tell you otherwise, but you have to go with the times and helping people out online is something which has to be done. That made me think..What else could I lecture inform you about, which would benefit you in the long term ? Why, blogging of course !

As a five year Blog professional I would imagine I have lots to teach you folks who desperately want to run a Blog as successful as mine..kinda..nevermind the details. Ahh, such a long time it has been. It all started on MSN until they outsourced their Blog stuff to WordPress and that’s my history in it’s entirety. Let me share my knowledge with you and help you on your path to become the number one Blogger in the world !

Alright, so you have big plans, you want to change the world, you want to tell others this and that, you want to gain fame, babes and adulation but you end up starting a Blog instead. The first thing you gotta do is pick a name for your Blog. Usually it should hint to either the topic you are concerning yourself with or stand out in a way that makes you appear unique. Also, whatever you do, DO NOT ADD NUMBERS just because the name you wanted is already gone. I’m sorry, but calling your Blog “Jason773” is like farting during a funeral. People may laugh, but it’s no good laughter, no sir. It also shows a lack of creativity and when you already display that in your name, your readers already know what to expect from “UnicornFan666”.

Congratulations, your naming is done. Now you can focus on a topic. Every Blog should have some topical outline in mind. You can’t just Blog about any garbage, it needs to be suited towards your readership or the interests you have. You can’t just type random stuff all the time and hope that more and more people will randomly show up…yeah…it doesn’t work that way..My Blog ? My interests are so broad and diverse that I get away with technically anything, at least in my mind. You will always attract a certain clientage and they might lose interest in what you write, if it doesn’t interest them..what a redundant thing to write. Just take my Blog for example. Actually I’m just banking on people being too lazy to unfollow me again, maybe that also works for you. Good luck with that..also to me.

You need ideas for topics ? Then you asked the right man. Usually anything that happens in the world is always in demand. Syria playing Ball ? Check. War Z ? Check. Snow in the den ? Check. New Iphone made from plastic ? Check. Maybe a specific topic ? Alcohol ? Video Games ? Your life, as interesting as it is and even if it isn’t, you can still lie about it all. Girl advice for boys ? Boy advice for girls ? How to do things ? How to not do things ? How to try to hide how you didn’t do things like you do things ? The possibilities are endless unlike this paragraph.

You also need tags, wonderful tags. Just throw everything in there that is even remotely being touched upon by your drivel. Even if it’s just a single word, use it. The more, the better. Tag everything, use as many tags as possible, keep on tagging. If your Blog text is longer than the line of Tags you made, you did something wrong. Add more tags !

Another important aspect is the language you choose. You should always write in the tongue you are most fluent in, even when you desperately want to reach a wider audience, you might be able to express yourself better in your native language. Don’t just start an English Blog just because you assume that the whole world can read it then, it might be terrible. Speking wrong in other languag is not halping you lot in making new visithor. I see a raised hand again, is this about my Blog being in English even though I am clearly German ? The answer is simple. Look at my Blog and compare it to my suggestions. You might notice that I don’t seem to follow any of them myself and that’s how I expect them to work. My Blog is technically here to show you and the world how it’s not done. This is the AntiBlog. You visit it, read it, shake your head and/or fist and start your own. Glad I could be of assistance. Still, don’t stop checking back, there’s so much more for you to learn on how not to run things and also News..I have News, with a capital N !

Enough sidetracking, what you need next is some creativity and writing skills. But only some, not a lot. You need to find a balance between simple and advanced. That way you can reach all kinds of readers. If you only write in simple words, smart people will get bored and consider your Blog puerile and obfuse (yes, I looked those words up and even misspelled obtuse). If you use too advanced expressions, the dumb common people might have trouble following you. Balance is such an important thing, it’s like the Yin and Yang, the Pan and Da, the Nou and Gat.

And then you throw out some text. Yadda Yadda Yadda *your topic* evil corporations yadda yadda government yadda yadda nobody safe yadda yadda and voila, you are a Blogger. Now all you have to do is throwing something new on your blank screen every now and then and pray for your followers numbers to rise and for people to comment and praise your stuff. If you want to be cheap you can also just follow other Blogs and hope that they follow you back for no reason. It’s like cheap advertising, which I resent and will never do ! For now !

And that’s how it all starts. Technically just do what I don’t and you should be well on your way, maybe even combine your Blog with your Youtube channel to create some weird information video hellhole.

Now onto the news. Yes, the news. You thought I would forget but I didn’t, this Blog is all about..news..USA and Russia extend hands and Syria does something with chemical weapons. You don’t need to know more about that, you can’t change a thing about it either way. Also don’t forget to check out the new HumbleBundle, it’s the thing to waste your hard/easy earned/stolen/otherwise acquired/non existant money on for Charity and cheap games.

Wasn’t this an explosion of information and awesomeness right here ? It even looked quite serious for my standard, which I want to apologize for. After all this educational muck, you will be treated to random nonsense again the next time, I promise ! Maybe ! Goodbye !