You won’t believe it, but…

it’s the first of April and you thought there’d be a new entry…hah..HAH..I laugh in your face ! Happy April Fools day ! :p

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Honey, close the window, the Blog is coming in !

What is this tingling sensation ? The feeling of already being logged in without the need to remember a password, who thought of such an amazing concept ? Seems pretty clear to me that there is a God and this is irrefutable proof of it. Another piece of proof would be the fact, that you only had to endure 2 days instead of 2 years for another post (I know, that could also be evidence for the existance of hell, alas let’s focus on the good, shall we ?). The only problem is, that I have no idea what to actually write and that’s why I am making it up as I go.

There have been no big news over that small amount of time, which means I have to fill this space with other information, that’ll satisfy your craving for typed letters and chained words. In fact I have just been told over Steam chat, that today is indeed World Down Syndrome Day. If you didn’t know that such a day existed, don’t worry, I had no idea as well and I also won’t further elaborate on it, because such subjects can be quite touchy and there are enough soulless, heartless and vile people out there to poke fun at such events, while I, as a professional Blog personality, do always take the neutral stance on any matter, no matter the matter, any matter matters.

However that also means that the Blog is gonna end here, simply because I have nothing to say about the subject and if I start including other topics like Mass Effect Andromeda, Donald Trump’s Russian contacts, the resigning of some French minister and other issues of the world today or yesterday or the day before yesterday, when I last posted something, I’d look way too much like an actual informative Blog and I won’t have none of that.

You only deserve the news that matter, the news nobody else talks about, the news that are still news when you hear them 1 month later, because none of your friends have told you those news and you haven’t bothered to look em up yourself, since you had no idea they even were news in the first place. And as the sun gently drops from the sky to hang its golden rays up in shame and the moon rises to see what’s all the fuss about, I’ll silently bid you farewell, despite the fact, that this entry felt more like a letdown than an uplifting continuation of my daily Blog circle. They can’t all be winners, but at least you had something to read again and to discuss with your friends or family or random strangers online or even offline (hah, offline…noobs).

Until next time, try to stay alive long enough to witness my next exciting interesting amazing entry into the > 10 year history of this Blog. Honestly, how many Blogs do you know that have been around for 10 years and are still active ? This shows how much you guys care and how strongly you have motivated me to keep coming back for more, even if you didn’t, don’t, won’t..You’re probably just busy with life at the moment, which is understandable. Life is a highly complicated process and maybe I should talk about this a bit and try to give you clever advice on real life problems again, those were always popular with my 1 reader from India. Isn’t it amazing how the Blog always manages to continue, despite the fact that I already basically said goodbye a paragraph ago ? Much like an avalanche, this mass of words just comes crashing down until it hits the ground and buries everything  below (you could say the same about the quality, but you won’t, because that’d be rude and my  fellow readers are pretty cool dudes and dudettes and dudits, who always appreciate a kind gesture and give back thousand fold). What a great metaphor to really end this with (the avalanche part, not the thing in brackets, which I literally wrote 5 minutes after the metaphor bit). That is it, expect my return whenever and stay strong, everyone, eventually there will be another post and there’s always a 50/50 chance of it being  an improvement quality wise.

This is the End..for real…for now..not forever, just for this entry AND I AM DOING IT AGAIN SO GOODBYE !

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Don’t mind if I do…

Ladies, gentlemen, everything inbetween ! Good news are spreading quickly and that’s why it comes as no surprise that no one is here to welcome me back once again. Once again I forgot my password and it took me only 2 years to guess the right one (some call me the psychic blogger..or was it psychotic..).

How times have once again changed and it still feels like I am always writing the same things. The good thing is, that after a 2 year hiatus all my old nonsense is basically new nonsense and much like Hollywood I am also a big fan of rebooting something that once was good or bad to make it way worse. On that note, welcome back, Blog. May you live on forever, but maybe with a tad more frequent…no, can’t make any promises. By now you should have realized the way this works and if you are still here from wayyyyyy back when I was still hip and cool and popular with the spam bots, you’ll know what to expect. However, if you stumble upon this Blog by accident, mistake, divine intervention or Guantanamo torture, let me tell you that this is probably one of the best Blogs to follow in your busy life. Do you know why ? Because I do not seem to post much, giving you way more time for important tasks in your life other than reading a Blog by some random guy who just strings words together in long sentences to detract from the fact that there’s actually no content, which you won’t realize, because you’ll already have forgotten the beginning of the sentence by the time you reach this point.

My last entry 2 years ago promised you news and information and I will give you what I promised…eventually.. For example : Did you know that Donald Trump is now president of the United States of America ? You heard it here first, hot off the presses. Now go out there and tweet it to your friends, their reaction will surprise you, I am sure. He also seems to have done a fine job so far, according to my sources (do not ask about my sources, let’s just say the NSA would be highly interested in them (according to my sources, at least)).

The whole refugee thing happened and you must have waited for some info about that from me, sadly there was none and I want to apologize. As your only source of information, I should really be more responsible and that’s why I will be responsible this time and do the responsible thing by telling you that you really need to find other sites for your news. BUT DO NOT ABANDON ME, BECAUSE MY NEWS ARE THE REAL NEWS…If there are any news being posted, that is…which isn’t too often the case…enough with the scolding. This Blog is not part of the fake press, I can promise you that !

Now that you’re up to date on the world’s events, let me also add that I still appreciate all your gestures of concern, the candy you sent, the bags of fanmail and the tons and tons of cash money you donated to me via bitcoins and other shady sources. Let me especially thank this one Nigerian prince, who promised me quite a great reward for helping him in his billion dollar financial dispute. I have also received 3 emails from Russian ladies who seem to want to meet me, alas I have to decline for the life of a Blogger is a busy one. This Blog is basically my life and I can not let a woman or man or whatever step inbetween me and my duty as a concerned news spreading entity.

And with those humble words of thanks, gratitude and what not, it’s time to close shop for another..unspecified period of time, even though I am…certain…maybe..certain…to an extend…that it won’t take me 2 years again to guess my password. I have acquired a piece of paper (because this is the Blog that made newspapers obsolete and I am grabbing the technological advancements of today by their neck and shake them until I can revert to stone age tested means) and have written it down. Only a matter of time until I lose the paper, but until then there’s gonna be a higher chance of me posting another entry. Isn’t it exciting to go to bed and wake up the next day to check if there’s something new on your favourite Blog ? And then you’ll maybe also check mine by accident..One can dream..For now, keep on dreaming :p

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May The Blog continue !

Hello, bonjour and cornchiwawa, long time no see. It is I, the blogger guy who every now and again posts meaningful and important news around this place to enlighten, entertain and encourage you, my fellow readers, to strive for the highest possible goals in life and end up as a blogging superstar just like.. some other guy, who I can not name, for I do not follow any Blogs :p

It’s been nearly a year, AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN and a lot happened AGAIN. Let me summarize the most important world events so that you will be able to boast and impress some folks over the course of your next dinner party event:

– Ukraine and Russia had some sort of disagreement about something. If anyone ever asks you for your opinion about the matter just shrug and say “…”

– Grooveshark has been shut down by the evil* music industry. Now where are you gonna listen to the weird music which you can find nowhere else ? The answer is in the question.

* I will not stand by the term when being pressured by higher authorities, that’s how strong my willpower and resolve is.

– Christmas has come and gone. You seem to have handled it well, after all you are still alive to read this.

– A new Star Wars movie is coming out at some point. Are you not excited and thrilled ? Yes, you are. As am I. Thrilled and excited enough to not elaborate any more.

– Various other things, which you most likely know about by now, unless you are a really devoted fan of this blog and only take your news from here. That would actually make me proud but also a highly irresponsible person for leaving you hanging so long and then only provide a pathetic bulletin list of 4 news, which are not even any priority for/to/with you :p

Alas, after quite the hiatus I somehow return for a new post. Some of you have moved on, you have families now (you might have had families before, but now you could have your own families (you might have had own families before, but now you might be the boss of yours (you might have been the boss of your own family before, but now..let’s just say you might have married and acquired a bunch of kids (now that I think about it, I’ve not been gone long enough for you to have kids, unless you started before my last blog post, therefore disregard that)))). What was I saying ? Ah yes, family.. Others might have left my blog to follow more active ones, for which I can not blame you, but I still will. TRAITORS !    And even others are still here, waiting for a new post..patiently..they sit..wait..and to those I say “Well done, this sort of commitment is not only commendable, it’s borderline insane and you are the guys (and girls..hopefully..girls..we do not discriminate the genders in this Blog, no sir..mam..madam..), without whom this would never have been possible.”

It’s great, isn’t it ? So much positive feedback on the internet ? One can not get used to that. This is the kind of Blog where everybody is appreciated and we all come together to read the great tales I am spinning out of control. Haven’t you ever had the feeling of stating some opinion on the internet and you got insulted, bugged, harassed, bothered and intimidated by others ? And then you remember this Blog and how great your experience has been in this place, where you actually don’t say a word and don’t comment on anything, just simply because this Blog doesn’t even have a real structure or any sort of useful information other than random spewings of letters in a chain that closely resembles a sentence but does lack any real information or purpose. That’s not very common nowadays (ramblings and no information excluded). I guess I basically returned to spread some positive vibes amongst you, my fellow fans and readers and what not and to show the world, that we can all have our opinions and still live in a respectful and understanding world..if you get what I am saying, otherwise this is not very understanding at all..

That has been 700 words now and we are as far as we were when I last left. Maybe I should really try to find some sort of topic to write about instead of whatever it is I am doing, even though I do feel like it’s a good thing, a thing, which helps you pass time and which also educates you in a way. Did you know that you can train your brain to filter out information you don’t need or don’t deem worthy of noticing ? You do now, after reading all of this 😮

It’s been a blast as always, but it is getting late and I am already overstaying all the welcomes, so let’s not make this any worse and end it for now until I return with something meaningful to report, which might be….soon…might be…mark my words.. :p

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Summer..it’s just a phase

Now it’s only been 2 weeks, but I realize that you are starving. You are starving for more, craving delicious posts of Blogness. All the other Blogs you are subscribed to are probably on vacation, relaxing in the sun, living the easy life, enjoying some free time and that is why I am here. This year I nixed all my plans, my Hawaii vacation, my trip around the world and even my anonymous alcoholics appointment just to keep you entertained during the dry summertime.

What a summer it has been. Despite the fact that it’s cold as hell now (which makes no sense, because hell (if it indeed does exist (which I do not want to deny or admit, because of fear of losing the religious fans (which I probably don’t even have (maybe one of the bots that’s subscribed to me is religious though, you never know (there’s no reason for another bracket here, but what the hell (again with the hell)))))) is pretty hot), it’s still summer outside. Now you might wonder why I brought that up and I will tell you in writing. You are sitting at home, bored out of your mind and not sure how to waste away the last days of summer. Let me help you with that by giving you five glorious “WHERE TO SPEND (THE PUNY REST OF) YOUR SUMMER IN A MEANINGFUL (ALBEIT STUPID) FASHION” options :

Number 4 : The beach. There are girls there as well (or so I hear, I have no actual proof of this). You can swim, build sand fortresses of doom and also get sunburns to make you look like a guy that’s not afraid to leave the house every once in a while. But beware ! There might be dreadful Alpha males in the vicinity, who will look to take advantage of your pathetic weak body frame to win over the common female whilst you look like a chump. What a harsh environment the beach is..man..better stay away from it.

Number 2 : The supermarket. You always wanted to find a place where you could meet girls, stay cool and not die of starvation ? Welcome ! Pretend to be a knowledgeable guy by pondering the selection for a long time. Keep reading the ingredients of products. Girls like guys who can read. You can also attempt to educate others on how to save a few cents by smartassing about the pros and cons of cheap and expensive products. That might even get you a date or…laid..woohoo. Do not worry, there is no danger of bodily harm in this serene harbour of safety. The only bad thing that could befall you here is closing time and the fact, that you will probably be barred for life. Not to worry though, there are literally millions of stores available.

Number 1 : Home. Stay home, be alone, do the same thing you always do and be proud of it. Others might enjoy the sun and all the benefits it brings, but you have the self esteem to refrain from such follies. Just keep on playing WoW until you are perfectly blending in with your white wallpaper.

Number 3 : The Movies. THE MOVIES, home of summer blockbusters, expensive snacks and the most terrifying noises you will ever experience in your lifetime. You are supposed to bring quite some money to be the expected exploitable puppet, but if you do, it will definitely be worth your while. The most important thing to consider is which movie to choose. If you want to be entertained, go see some sort of Blockbuster movie, but keep in mind that this is not gonna help you with girls. You will also meet lots of obnoxious kids and other troublemakers this way. You should be used to those from your online games though.

If you want to meet girls however, you need to bite the bullet and pick one of those romantical, dramatical, traumatical and brain cell melting chickx flickx. This is where the common female dwells and if you play your cards right by wasting a few tissues and shedding some fake tears, you might even be able to somehow magically appear like one of them. Compassion is the key to the heart, if you didn’t know. On the other hand you might be labelled as a wuss and an outcast in the male society…no matter, you already are anyways.

Number 5 : It doesn’t even matter as long as you finally leave the damn house (which means I couldn’t even think of another place, since I do not leave the house..EVER).

Consider all those wonderful options but BEWARE ! The outside is always a treacherous and dangerous place. You can be hit by lighting, cars, guys, girls, dogs, cats, trees, tornados, tsunamis, hurricanes, rockets, old people, young people, smart people, dumb people, village people, space debris, bricks, sticks, the New York Knicks and much, much more. In the end it’s really for the best to never go outside at all and I hope I was able to make that pretty clear to all of you. Your safety is my priority, because I love you all ! This is a shoutout to all the Spam Bots constantly filling up my spam folder, which really encourages me to keep this all going and shows me, that all my effin effort is appreciated. Thank you so much and have a great summer ! 😮

thesun

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I am World Champions !! or when the Blog went all negative on us

It’s been a few months again…AGAIN and I felt the urge..the need…the drive to return to this place for you, my dear and beloved Bloggerettes. A lot has happened and I feel like I already wrote the exact same phrase in another Blog entry, but it never gets old, does it ? It always feels fresh and exciting when I keep mentioning things that once went down without ever specifying what I actually refer to. That’s clever Blog writing, that is. In this case I will specify :

Germany won the World Cup.
You might have heard from other sources, which puts you to shame. As a real follower of my Blog, you would have waited until I told you, instead you probably talked to friends or watched TV or did Facebookery and Tweetism or whatever those magical things are. Be the social outcast I expect you to be and only accept the news I bring you, for those are the good news, the proper news, the news that are newsworthy.
The media throws all that war in your face. You’ve got Iraq, Syria, Israel, Ukraine and so on and so forth, but what are we supposed to do about it ? There’s not a damn thing you can do with protesting or donating money, it will still happen. All your efforts will be in vain as long as unreasonable people keep making the decisions on those matters. You might feel the desire to help those people, make their lives better..Who wouldn’t ? But what could you possibly accomplish ? Most of us don’t even live the things we preach.
We protest against war and we want peace in the world and all races treated the same. People step up against tyrannical Israel to express how unjustified their actions are and that they should finally let those Gazarians (it’s probably made up, but it sounds kinda fancy..) be, yet those same people have no problem condemning every jewish person in the world in the process. We want freedom, we want to be able to do whatever we want, without being judged or degraded. Yet we keep arguing with our friends and family about trivial matters, hold silly grudges, we shout at the bum who’s begging us for money, we slander behind the backs of friends and strangers alike, we try to use every opportunity we get to push ourselves ahead of others for our own personal gain. We bend the truth the way we want to conceive it, even when we should realize that it’s blatantly wrong. All you good people out there, do you really live by the rules you want the governments and others to follow ?
Sure, you might not kill people or anything on that scale, but ask yourself.. If you already act like that while you’re the “little man”, what would you do if you were in power ?
It’s easy to forget where you came from once you made it and your perspective will change eventually, after all the only way to gain power is by elbowing your way up the ladder. That’s the law of competition, there’s no room for friendliness, kindness and a good heart if you want to be someone that’s gonna have a say in matters one day.
You should start with your own life first before you demand for others to change. It’s easy to tell others what they are doing wrong and ignore the flaws we show ourselves. Change starts with us. Well..technically it starts with Ch, but..
But wait, wasn’t this about Germany winning the World Cup ? Yes, it was. See what all those terrible news you get bombarded with daily do ? All that damn negativity..On my Blog even.. 😮

And now that you scratch your head in thought of what the heck you just had to read on this Blog, I will quickly disappear without a trace again :p

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2014 – Mayan Acopalyspe Mistimed Misspelled

…and then it was 2014.
My fellow fellowship of followers and fans of most exquisitely digestable Blogurt ! Let me be the first to wish you a Happy New Year..on this..12th of January 2014 (maybe even the 13th, if you’re from Asia or Australia). Did we have fun at those parties or what ? Damn right, partying hard and never worrying about what was and what’s gonna be. Yolo, Yodo, Yoda, Yoga.
You might wonder what’s up with the headline and why anyone would revisit the old “world is gonna end 2012 coz dem Mayans dun no how two make calendar go on” thing. In that case keep on wondering, because there’s absolutely no other reason for it to be there.
The year has now replaced a 3 with a 4 and I do hope you managed the transition well thanks to my useful and scientifically approved advice, which I dispensed last month (Yeah yeah, that was mostly about Christmas..which you would only know, had you actually read it. You did read it ? Gosh darn golly, in that case I’ll just rest my case.)
A new year usually gives people the chance to change their lives. They make resolutions to better themselves and improve on what they did wrong all the years before. I, for example, crafted a very complicated plan to somehow write less Blog entries, because I do realize that life without ’em can get pretty boring and tedious..for you..the reader. “Wait…Less ? Are you that daft to not realize that less is less and therefore is
a) pretty hard to achieve anyways, since you (me, not you) barely write any Blog entries
b) a stupid plan if you want to spread your (mine, not yours) wisdom to others who accidentally land on this Blog and do not immediately delete their browser history in shame ?”

I do understand your question and concern and want to use this mighty important Blog entry to answer everything (thank God you asked, otherwise this whole thing would be blank).
You see, other people intend to lose weight, gain money, lose bad habits or help the ones in need. The result is usually the opposite of what you intend to do. No matter how wonderful your ideas, the outcome will always be a disappointment. BUT if you set yourself low goals or even negative ones, then there can only be a positive result stemming from them. Plan to waste money and gain weight and you will see that, if it does happen, you had planned it anyways and if it doesn’t..good job in failing..literally. It’s such a simple thing to do and yet very rewarding. Always aim for the lowest target possible and you can only be positively surprised.

Maybe I’m a few days late to tell you now, but you can still use it for next year and amaze people with your smartness of cleverdom. The same way I will by just ending here :O

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